July 27, 2011
I think it was about a week after Mother’s Day. I remember saying to friends that I finally felt as though I could handle a pregnancy again. I felt that even if things didn’t go perfectly (do they ever?) I had the resources within and around me to cope with whatever life decided to throw my way. I had no idea at the time that we had already conceived.
Fast forward about 3 months. I still have not been able to admit to many people that I am indeed pregnant. I have been to various ultrasounds, heard the heartbeat of this little being growing inside me and have heard my Doctor’s reassurances that things are looking good. And still, when people ask me if we are trying again, I tell them: “We’re working on it”.
Everyday I chant, or pray, or repeat affirmations. I tell myself I’ve already been through the worst, that something like that won’t happen again, that we will be blessed with a healthy child. I think ahead to January and plan how our lives will be with this new addition. Yet I hesitate to tell others because I’m not sure I’m ready to hear their congratulations. We still have a long way to go. I recently spoke with a friend who has been through a similar situation to mine. She explained it like fear and joy were two sides of a scale, constantly playing with each other, and that eventually the joy will outweigh the fear. I feel as though every day I get a little closer to joy – but I’m still gonna wait till my growing belly forces my confession!
Peace and love, my little peanut!
August 26, 2011
Almost 18 weeks in and really starting to look forward to meeting this being that is growing inside me. Feeling more and more movement inside my belly which reassures me that this is really happening. My husband keeps teasing me about how much I’m planning for this little one’s arrival, but as I explained to him it helps me to imagine a future with this new addition in it. When I look back to my last pregnancy (as I can’t help but do) I try to remember if I had starting planning life in our condo as 3 instead of 2, but I can’t remember doing so. Knowing what we knew throughout the pregnancy we decided not to prepare a room for the baby not knowing if we were going to bring him home or not. Now, as I head towards the next ultrasound in two weeks, the “big” anatomy scan, I enjoy planning how the baby’s room is going to look. I like to talk about my plans with work and what our new schedule might look like. It calms me to visualize our future all together. I am thankful for my Doctor’s calm and reassuring demeanor and his flexibility to meet with us right after this next test which is where we first found out about the challenges that lay ahead with our last pregnancy. I will be leaning heavily on my husband as we head into this next ultrasound and every day rededicating myself to practice staying present and learning to enjoy pregnancy once again.
Wishing peace to all beings everywhere.
September 16, 2011
Happy Anniversary to my amazing husband! I remember on our anniversary last year we found out the little angel inside me was not a girl as they had first told us, but a boy! What a surprise baby Theo gave us that day and amidst all the heaviness of tests and prognosis’ it was a welcome moment of lightness and humour. Happy to say that this time tests are revealing quite a different story – we’ve decided to wait until January (or so) when baby’s born to find out the gender, but were delighted to learn at the anatomy ultrasound last week that everything is looking good. Dr happily told us the results could not be more reassuring which we were obviously both very pleased to hear. Starting to relax more into this pregnancy and baby’s movements in my belly often bring a smile to my face. We never know what lies ahead in life, but as of this and every moment I am treasuring the little being growing inside me. I can only imagine that baby Theo is smiling at us from wherever he is.
peace and light.
October 25 2011
Exactly one year ago today baby Theo came into this world and left it again. As we celebrate his birthday today I think about how far we have come. I’m not going to lie, being pregnant again probably helps make today a lot easier than it might have been otherwise. The baby in my belly is very active today, as though it wanted to wish baby Theo a happy birthday as well.
November 18 2011
It really is amazing how much of a bully the mind can be. Even though I’ve been reassured so many times that everything about the pregnancy is completely normal and overall feel very positive and am happily moving ahead with all our plans to welcome baby into the world, sometimes those doubts can creep in. Every once in awhile I have an attack of the ‘what ifs’. I suppose, like elsewhere in life, it is important to acknowledge those fears and then let them go. The truth is we never know exactly what is going to happen and really have no control over it anyway. Like in my yoga practice, I have to surrender to a higher power and have faith that baby and I are on the path we are meant to be on. I believe this babe in my belly is incredibly sensitive – even as I write it has become more active than earlier in the day, as though to remind me that we are together in this journey. Just over 2 months till we meet face to face – so soon and so far at the same time.
December 26 2011
Hard to believe the year is almost over. Another Christmas has come and gone and we will soon be welcoming little “Thumper” into our lives. Being pregnant really is such a different feeling this time around. Even though there is still that little part of me (as I’m sure there is with every expectant parent) that worries about what could happen, I am looking forward to delivering this little one into the world. With my last pregnancy I wanted to savour every moment baby Theo was inside me – not knowing how he would fare on his own without my body to support him. I nervously looked for his movements, kept track of how many times a day he moved and was happy every time he had the hiccups knowing that meant he was still with us and there was a chance for him. With this baby, I am still enjoying the pregnancy, but find myself laughing more at the antics this baby is able to get up to inside my belly. I know we are all going to share a lot of laughter together. See you soon little one (but not too soon – mom and dad like your due date!).
January 25 2012
Will today be the day? It is officially your due date today and we are (impatiently) awaiting your arrival. Of course I know due dates are only an estimate, and I personally calculated 40 weeks to be around January 29th, but we are so looking forward to meeting you. With your big brother I went into labour exactly on my due date and can’t help hoping that the same will happen today. I alternate between looking for your movements and hoping you are resting for the big event! I never thought I would be looking forward so much to contractions!! I’m hoping you will arrive quickly and safely and I’m sure my friends and family will breathe a collective sigh of relief that you are finally here. Until then I will keep walking, massaging my pressure points and of course…waiting!
February 17, 2012
Can’t believe our little Teo is already 3 weeks old! He almost had a dramatic entry into the world on January 27th. My labour this time was very different – I felt the contractions much lower in my belly and down the front of my legs instead of the all over tightening of last time. After labouring at home for almost 4 hours my water still hadn’t broken even though my contractions were less than 4 minutes apart. I felt less and less like leaving the house and knew I had better make my way to the hospital unless I wanted to have this baby at home. We got to the hospital shortly after 10am and I realized that Admitting at that time of the morning looks a lot different than Admitting at 2 in the morning. I tried not to throw up while we did the paperwork and the woman checking me in rushed us through the shortcut to Triage. It was a busy day at the hospital and as we were waiting there for almost 40 minutes my water finally broke. I held onto my husband for dear life as I moved into the final stage of labour. I knew that if I sat down I would not want to get up again. I felt the baby’s head moving down and told my husband that if they didn’t hurry up he was going to have to speak to someone because I didn’t have long to go. Finally they brought me into the room to check me and I was 9cm dilated. The wheeled me into the delivery room pretty quickly after that -I was pretty loud by then! By the time we got to the room and I transferred to the bed there I told them I was ready to push. I had to hold my pushing (well try!) until they got everything ready. After 15 minutes of pushing we welcomed our little Theodoros Dimitris into the world. We feel truly blessed to have this healthy baby with us here on earth and can’t believe how deeply we love him. It has been a long, but rewarding, journey growing our family and we are overjoyed to be where we are today!